All That Could Have Been
by blackwidow73
Summary: *Spoilers for the episode Forbidden Fruit* After Jack discovers the contents of the "forbidden room" Karen reflects on the time her and Jack spent together in college and the events that lead to her problem. Extremely AU in terms of age differences between characters.


Ever since she had revealed the room to Jack, she couldn't shake the feeling of emptiness. There was one thing she had wanted, a baby. Her infertility was one thing that seemed to be unfixable with money, her one true problem that couldn't be solved by throwing a credit card.

Years of choking down her feelings and burying them beneath the booze and the pills and the drugs, all undone by a few simple moments. Then again, she wondered if she had ever gotten over the initial loss, the feeling of failure, the self hatred that lingered beneath the faux confidence and the self absorption. She had spent her entire life putting herself up on a pedestal, yet her body too broken to perform a simple basic function - and it was all her fault.

Sighing, she gently closed the door behind her and moved to sit in the rocking chair. Staring out into the unused room, she noticed a smell that she hadn't before, it smelled dusty. Nothing had truly been touched in here since she had the place put together. That small realization had brought upon a whole new sensation of loneliness, a feeling that no drug could ever fully erase.

Her thoughts began to circle back to the time she took her last pregnancy test -

It had been seven years ago. The whole scare after Stan's birthday had been enough to give Karen a small glimmer of hope. This was something she had secretly wanted for a while, ever since she found out she was pregnant back in college. This was now her time to try and get to experience everything she had thrown away, everything she had allowed someone else to take away from her.

The only problem however, was that it was nothing more than that, just a scare. And they happened slightly often, the drinking was something that delayed her periods. It was normal to be a week or two late here and there. That time though, there was something different, she could feel it. Something was off with her body. It were as though it was trying to tell her that it was finally ready to conceive again, perhaps remind her of what she wanted.

"I was sure fifteen minutes couldn't possibly take this long," she muttered to herself, pacing the room.

She was alone this time. It was nice having Jack there for support during the first test, but now she couldn't bare to let anyone see how badly she was hurt when she saw the negative results. With each test came a sharper, heavier wave of loss. There was this feeling of grief, as if she had truly lost someone when in reality there was nothing to grieve. There wasn't a baby, it was just empty space down there. And she tried explaining that to herself, that she shouldn't be crying because it was stupid to feel hurt over something that never even existed. Yet, the absence of a child never made pained her more than any loss she had ever endured.

The timer rang, causing her to freeze and stare in the directed of the test. Her blood went cold as she stood there, bracing herself for another disappointment.

Slowly, she stepped over to the table where she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. A shaky hand slowly reached out, feeling for the test and turning it over to reveal the color. Her eyes slowly opened, allowing her to see that there was still no baby.

Her shoulders dropped as she still clung to the test. She couldn't pull her eyes away, it were as if she were waiting for the color to somehow just change and give her the answer she had so desperately pleaded for just seconds ago.

A heavy sigh left her as her absently reached for her abdomen with her free hand. She went ahead and carelessly tossed the test into the trashcan, only pausing for a second to notice the previous tests she had taken.

Karen could never explain why she hung onto those tests. She just couldn't completely get rid of them. It was an image that tore away at her, that haunted her and filled her with self hatred and guilt, yet, it broke her heart to even think about emptying the container. As if she were losing even more of herself somehow. As much as they mocked her, something about them reminded her that she still possessed some hope for herself.

At the same time though, she had this idea that she had drilled into her own brain, that these tests were like some sort of magic eight ball - if you take enough of them, eventually you'll get the answer you want. That maybe if she held onto to enough of them that someday one would have to come up positive. Her own mind couldn't even find a way to break it to her that this many negatives was a sign that it really may never happen for her.

Tears ran down her cheeks as she went over to the rocking chair where a stuffed bear sat. She picked it up and sat down with it, briefly hugging it. Her breathing grew more rapid as she felt herself begin to sob, and she hated loathed herself for it. Here she was allowing herself to be broken, to be absolutely pitiful and distraught. So instead, she decided to be angry. To be mad at herself for believing that she had a chance, for growing attached to someone she had never met, for clinging to the impossible, and for caring so damn much about it that it consumed her. It was a feeling so strong that even the pills couldn't kill it.

She took the bear, holding it out in front of her. The very sight of it now filled her with fury. All it did was remind her. It was nothing more than a prop now, a toy that would never get named by a child, that would never get played with. It would just sit there and collect dust like everything else in the room.

"Damn it," she hissed, throwing the bear across the room.

Now she sat in that same chair, staring into the same empty room. Part of her wished to go out that door and get Jack, bring him back in here with her and just sit. Just think about what could have been. Then again, she didn't have the energy to explain herself anymore. She didn't want the looks of pity and the questions. He was there when the damage had been done, he knew damn well how important this all was to her. He didn't need to be drilling her about the details of the room.


End file.
